Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Just Jested

No rants or ravings today, instead I present some quips and chucklers from my latest read. Enjoy!

I've never really had an actual job. I've worked. But I don't know much about the job thing. To me, the most annoying thing about the couple of times that I worked in an office is that when you show up in the morning you say "hi" to everyone and then for some reason, you have to continue to greet these people day every time you see them. You walk in at the start the day, "Morning, Bill, morning, Bob. How are you doing?" "Fine." Ten minutes later you see them in the hall, again you say, "How you doing?" Now, I already know how he's doing, I just saw him, he told me how he's doing. But you've got to keep saying something each time you pass. So you keep coming up with different little greetings. You start coming up with nicknames for them.. "Jimbo." You do the little smile with the head raise. The almost imperceptible beneath-the-breath "Hey" with a half-smile. If it's a narrow passageway, thank God now you can say, Excuse me." But it has to have a very friendly singsong quality. You kind of go up a note on the "me." If you feel more familiar, "Tight squeeze" is popular. When walking by a group of 3 or more men, "Gentlemen" is often used to confer an air of sophistication that is always misplaced. Day-of-the-week references are always good, especially Monday or Friday because of the obligatory emotions that are assumed to go with them. Any mention of weekend seems to comfort people. "Good weekend?" "Have a good weekend?" People like anything with weekend in it. Thursday's good for "One more day ," which usually prompts the easy "You said it" rejoinder. Wednesday, "Hump day." "That it is." We should all agree that we're just going to say, "Acknowledge" as we pass people in the halls. You know, just walk by, "Acknowledge, acknowledge." We'll become Vulcan's for four seconds and not have to wrack our brains every time we just want to go to the bathroom.

I was watching this movie the other night. It was a World War Two movie and there were Nazis in the movie. And I notice that the Nazis in those movies always had two separate "Heil's." They had the regular "Heil" that they would do, and then, when they were around the offices, they had this casual "Heil," where they would just kind of show their palm. Remember that? They come in the office, "Yeah, Heil, how are you? Is the kid back with the coffee yet? Are you finished with the copier? Yeah, world domination, Aryan race, whose donuts are those? Yeah, Heil, nice to see you. Mind if I take the last jelly?"

Why do people who work in offices have pictures of their family on their desk facing them? Do they forget that they're married? Do they say to themselves, "All right. Five o'clock. Time to hit the bars and pick up some hookers. Hold it a second, look at this picture. I got a wife and three kids. I completely forgot! I better get home."

And some more...:)

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Now why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!" "Is it suede?" "I am suede! The whole thing is suede! I can't have this cleaned. ...It's all I got!"

The suit is definitely the universal business outfit for men. There is nothing else that men like to wear when they're doing business. I don't know why it projects this image of power. Why is it intimidating? "We'd better do what this guy says, his pants match his jacket."

Women approach clothes from a different angle altogether. The other day I was watching women in a department store looking at clothes, and I noticed women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes. They take a dress off the rack and they hold it up against themselves. They can tell something from this. They stick one leg way out and kind of lean back. I guess they need to know, "If someday I'm one-legged at a forty-five-degree angle, what am I going to wear?" You never see a man do that. You never see a guy take a suit off the rack, put his head behind the collar , and go, "What do you think about this suit? I think I'll get it. Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants, I want to make sure. Now what if I'm walking? Move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes."

I love watching women put on their perfume. They're very careful. They have their little stratego areas. Places they think we're going. They always hit the inside of the wrist. Women are convinced that this is the most action packed area that could ever happen. Why, ladies? What is happening there? Is that in case you slap the guy? He still finds you intriguing. ... -CRACK!- He turns back, "Oh. .Chanel."

Ok last one… :)

If we really stuck with the classic Greek priorities, a sound mind in a sound body, the only two places we'd ever go is to a library or a gym. What's amazing to me about the library is that here's a place where you can go in, you take out any book you want, they just give it to you and say, "Please just bring it back when you're done." It reminds me of this pathetic friend everybody had when they were a little kid that would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is, it's a government-funded pathetic friend. That's why everybody kind of bullies the library, "Maybe I'll bring it back on time, maybe I'll bring it back late. What are you gonna do, charge me a nickel? Oooh, I'm so scared."

But the health clubs are a little too strict. What's with the high level of security? The picture I.D.s, the security guards, people signing in and out. . .What is this, NORAD? I mean the people that have a membership go twice a year, who's breaking in? Is this a big problem, people stealing exercise? And what if they catch the person, what then? They run. That's aerobic, makes it even worse.

On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags. This, to me, is the lowest activity in human life. Following a dog with a little scooper. Waiting for him to go so you can walk down the street with it in your bag. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? I say, if this is where we're at after 50,000 years of civilization, let's just give up. I'm serious, let's pack it in. It's not worth it. Let's just say the human race as an idea didn't quite work. It seemed good at first, we worked on it for a long time, but it just didn't pan out. We went to the moon but still somehow wound up carrying little bags of dog doody around with us. We just got mixed up somewhere. Let's just give it over to the insects or whoever else is next in line.

All excerpts from..."SeinLanguage" by Jerry Seinfeld-ISBN 0-553-56915-5



Posted by Dewdrop :: 10:55 AM :: 22 Scribbles!

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